Invite Jesus To Be Your Best Friend

"Until now you have asked nothing in my name.

Ask, and you will receive,

that your joy may be full."

John 16:24

August 2013

One afternoon in August of 2013, I received a text from my best friend's mom. It just requested that we get lunch together, and she hoped I was doing well. Without knowing anything, that one text said everything. There wasn't any reason for her to want to grab lunch, unless something was going on.

We got together at a nearby restaurant and after the server took our order, she began to share with me that my best friend had been diagnosed with cancer. She shared the details from her past month of being misdiagnosed at first, having surgery for something that wasn't necessary, and all of the steps that had led to them finally figuring out that it was cancer. I knew most of it. But this cancer diagnosis was new information, and suddenly every conversation I had had with her over the last 6 months made sense as the details clicked into place.

In one conversation in March she had mentioned being extremely tired, more so than normal. But she explained it away by saying she was just exhausted because finals were around the corner and she wanted to "graduate strong." She was in grad school for physical therapy.

Another conversation we had had toward the end of April clicked through my memory...she had been upset that her brother and dad (who came into town for her graduation) had commented on her appearance and said she needed to rest more and not overwork herself. When she talked to me about it we focused on her feelings about the comments and conversation, as women often do. But looking back, I realized they saw something that my best friend didn't know, or maybe didn't want to see.

Mid-summer she said her fatigue was likely due to tonsilitis, and surgery had been scheduled. It was during this process that they discovered it wasn't tonsilitis (after they took her tonsils), and that there was something more sinister going on.

As my whole world fell apart, I remember sitting in the sun thinking, "This doesn't feel right. The weather should match the storm that's raging inside of me."

Fast Forward...

A few years later I had seen God's hand throughout this cancer journey that was really incredible. One night I cried until the early morning hours, completely unsure what the future was going to look like now and clinging to my Bible that spoke of hope and a good future. Truthfully, I wondered if Jeremiah 29:11 (my life verse) was really true and if God's Word would really hold up. Did He want good things for me? Was there hope for my future? Our future? Her future?

In desperation, and through the tears, I remember being so angry with the Lord and calling out, "She was supposed to be in my wedding! I was supposed to be in her wedding! This isn't supposed to be a part of our story!" I didn't even ask God for anything, I was just crying and screaming and wrestling with Him in my heart about the future and that this wasn't the plan. This wasn't my plan. It certainly wasn't her plan. Obviously He wasn't aware of our plans and needed to get on board!

The one and only time I have ever been so angry that I threw my Bible was during this season of being overwhelmed by every emotion that was coursing through me. The uncertainty, fear, doubt, anger, sadness, depression, angst....it was so much and I didn't know how I would survive it. And the rage I felt toward the Lord, it was all-consuming.

But here's the thing, while there were times I was absolutely sinful in my thoughts and in my actions (throwing a Bible is not an innocent activity!), the Lord never abandoned me. He loved me through every tantrum, He held my hand even when I tried to let go. He never left me. He just let me be exactly where I was, physically, emotionally and spiritually. And He gently led me onward.

He answered the prayer I hadn't asked, she ended up being well enough to be my Matron of Honor and was by my side when I said "I do." And there were other ways His hand was present. The job I was at while she was in treatment allowed me to be with her every Friday for awhile - I look back on that and am so thankful for the extra time.

He may not have answered the ultimate prayer I had, but He was with me during the entire experience.

*Just a side note: if you're in the middle of something similar, or maybe just a challenging season and you feel like God is silent; He's not actually silent to punish you. He's just letting you get everything out that you need to. One night recently, I was on my couch spewing out all of my anger and thoughts and feelings on something and the Lord said nothing. Not a word, not a nudge, nothing. I even said, "My whole world is falling apart and You can't even speak? You have nothing to say???"

The next day I woke up and the answers to my questions had been downloaded to me while I slept. In my dreams, He visited me and showed me the way forward. And when I asked why He didn't speak to me the night before, when it felt like I really needed a reply, the Holy Spirit gave me a brief vision.

In the vision, I was laying on the couch and speaking everything that was in my heart, casting cares and worries. The Holy Spirit sat in the chair next to me with His notepad and pen, just taking notes. He looked up at me in the vision and said, "Last night you didn't need Me to speak, you just needed your Counselor."

If He's silent, it's not because He doesn't love you, it's because it's not what you need from Him. Sometimes what you need to do is get everything out, all of your thoughts and feelings out in the open with Him. Sometimes the answer can't come because we have too much noise in our heads, and it's not until we release that noise in His presence and it no longer lives inside of us, that then we can clearly hear Him speak.

I have walked seasons where the noise was deafening for months or even years - and He couldn't fully speak until I had released all of it into His care. He just might be waiting for you to give it all to Him before He speaks to you. It's hard to hear Him when we're filled with everything else!

January 2018

I got the call in January of 2018 that she had passed away. In some ways, I felt relieved. I was no longer living in a state of limbo, wondering and waiting for anything to happen. And then came the guilt, feeling guilty for being relieved, feeling guilty for everything I hadn't done or said that I should have done or said. Deep sadness began to close in on me. I could barely breathe.

I was 7 months pregnant with my first when I received the devastating news. The next day I was walking out of work, and it felt like my entire world had just collapsed. Again.

It didn't feel like I lifted a real prayer up to heaven, more like a cry that escaped from my heart while I walked down the sidewalk to my car. In desperation I cried up to the Lord, "What am I going to do? How will I go on? And who will be my best friend?"

In that moment, Jesus showed up on my right side, and the veil between us was so thin it felt like I could reach through and touch Him. He leaned in and whispered into my ear, "Will you let Me be your Best Friend?"

Truth be told, I hesitated. At this point in my journey I was very well aware of the cost of saying yes. Following Jesus and picking up our cross to do so, it comes with the cost of dying to self. And in our walk of faith, there isn't a single selfish or sinful thing within us that is going to be allowed to live on. We are, every day, becoming more and more like Him, and less and less like ourselves. In order to do that, we will have to pay the cost of our dying flesh.

So I weighed the cost of saying yes, but I knew beyond the shadow of a doubt that I didn't want the consequences of saying no. While there's a cost to saying yes to Him, there are major consequences to saying no - so I said yes.

The delight of the Holy Trinity in that moment, I can't even describe it. It was all-consuming joy, and it filled my spirit-being and seeped into my heart. And then I made a request. I turned my head physically to the space I knew Jesus was occupying next to me and I said, "Yes, yes I will let You be my Best Friend. But Jesus, I know that when I walk near to You that there isn't a single place in me that's hidden from You, and that the closer I walk with You the more we have to deal with me - so can I have some space? Can we be a little distant until the baby comes? I know if we're close I won't be able to stop the grief from coming, and I don't know how that grief will affect my unborn girl. Can You give me a little space until she's here, and give me joy instead?"

I don't know what caused me to ask for that, I just wasn't sure how grief would impact my little Skylar. I wanted her to be as protected as possible. I still don't know what grief does to an unborn child, but this I do know: I woke up the next day with unspeakable joy. I almost didn't feel the distance the Father, Son and Holy Spirit had put between us although it was definitely there and I noticed it. They had respected my space and honored my ask, but that joy. That JOY! For 2 1/2 months I walked with the Joy of the LORD coursing through my veins. My little girl got the fullness of the Joy of the Lord during the final trimester. It was profound.

And Then, Reality Came Crashing Back In

The morning after Skylar was born the grief began to crash through my body like hurricane waves. The grief was relentless, and it was clear the Lord wasn't going to let me escape it. If I thought I had any chance at dodging the sadness, He made absolutely sure I wouldn't have the strength to when my mom arrived into town and I realized she was in the early stages of Alzheimer's.

With one punch the Lord took my best friend, and with the second He took the mom I had known - and I couldn't stand or pretend like I was going to be ok. I can see now that it was with a loving hand that He delivered both blows back-to-back, ensuring that I wouldn't rely on any strength of my own or hold back any of my grief. It was with kindness that He removed the two women who were most important in my life, so that He would become the Most Important Person to me.

For about 6-8 weeks I did nothing but cry. And can I tell you? It's the most healing thing you can possibly do. Let me show you a beautiful scripture to illustrate that point:

"In those days Hezekiah was sick and near death. And Isaiah the prophet, the son of Amoz, went to him and said to him, “Thus says the Lord: ‘Set your house in order, for you shall die, and not live.’ ”

2 Then he turned his face toward the wall, and prayed to the Lord, saying, 3 “Remember now, O Lord, I pray, how I have walked before You in truth and with a loyal heart, and have done what was good in Your sight.” And Hezekiah wept bitterly.

4 And it happened, before Isaiah had gone out into the middle court, that the word of the Lord came to him, saying, 5 “Return and tell Hezekiah the leader of My people, ‘Thus says the Lord, the God of David your father: “I have heard your prayer, I have seen your tears; surely I will heal you. On the third day you shall go up to the house of the Lord. 6 And I will add to your days fifteen years. I will deliver you and this city from the hand of the king of Assyria; and I will defend this city for My own sake, and for the sake of My servant David.” ’ ”

7 Then Isaiah said, “Take a lump of figs.” So they took and laid it on the boil, and he recovered.

8 And Hezekiah said to Isaiah, “What is the sign that the Lord will heal me, and that I shall go up to the house of the Lord the third day?”

9 Then Isaiah said, “This is the sign to you from the Lord, that the Lord will do the thing which He has spoken: shall the shadow go forward ten degrees or go backward ten degrees?”

10 And Hezekiah answered, “It is an easy thing for the shadow to go down ten degrees; no, but let the shadow go backward ten degrees.”

11 So Isaiah the prophet cried out to the Lord, and He brought the shadow ten degrees backward, by which it had gone down on the sundial of Ahaz."

- 2 Kings 20:1-11

In this passage Hezekiah weeps before the Lord, which we know because he's speaking to God when he begins crying. Hezekiah asks the Lord to remember him, and the Lord does. But the revelation I received some time ago when I was reading this begins in verse 5. The Lord Himself tells Isaiah to return to Hezekiah and say, "I have seen your tears, and surely I will heal you." Healing and tears are mentioned in the very same verse!

One of the most interesting things about crying is what is contained in tears of sadness, grief and when we're crying because of complex emotions. The article What are Tears Made of? The Biochemistry of Emotion states this: "Water is a large component of tears, although other materials also make up the fluid. Such materials include hormones, neurotransmitters, and more....Emotional tears contain a higher concentration of hormones, neuropeptides, and neurotransmitters when compared to reflexive or basal tears. This is thought to be because emotional tears are the waste product of emotional responses."

There are hormonal waste products released from our very bodies when we cry, and that's why it's so healing to weep. But the most healing thing we can possibly do, is weep in the Lord's presence and offer up our emotions, our prayers and petitions. He tunes His ears to our cries, and He sees our sadness. Not one of our tears falls to the floor or is wasted in His presence. Not one.

"You keep track of all my sorrows.
    You have collected all my tears in your bottle.
    You have recorded each one in your book."

-Psalm 56:8

There's another beautiful nugget in this passage: Hezekiah didn't blame the Lord for his upcoming death sentence even though it was the Lord who said (through Isaiah) get your affairs in order for you are about to die! Instead, he cried in God's presence, and asked for the Lord to remember him and to remember that he has walked with God.

Something happens when we approach the Lord's throne and we don't blame God for the things that have happened in our lives, but instead cry out for Him to remember us. Crying in the presence of the King releases grief and sadness, and the emotions released in our tears prevent us from growing bitter toward the Lord, toward the world, and toward others. Instead we offer it up to Him, and pray for Him to remember us and to change our situation, and to heal us. That's when we see miracles come about in our lives.

And The Holy Spirit Speaks

A month or so after my mom visited I was scrolling Facebook on my phone in the kitchen, and I saw something that I wanted to share with my bestie. Honestly, it was gossip about two other people we knew that would have made for great conversation, though it was not in the least bit edifying.

I picked up the phone without thinking, and searched for her name. I was about to click call when the reality crashed down around me and I realized with earth-shattering revelation that I could never call her again. And there wasn't a single person to share my gossip with who would have cared about it.

I sank to the floor and bitter tears leaked out of my eyes. I couldn't even lift my gaze, I just said to the Lord, "I have no one to call."

And suddenly, as if you and I were having a conversation over tea, I heard the Holy Spirit say, "Call Me!" And in my heart I said, "What?" And with, what I can only describe to you as a feeling of giddiness, I heard the Holy Spirit say again, "Call Me!" Like He was excited to hear from me!

And this time I said, "Uhhh, I was about to call my bestie and gossip...." Which I said with a mixed feeling of shame and uncertainty, because surely the Lord didn't want to hear me gossiping to Him. I already knew it was wrong, therefore why would I commit a wrong with Him? Do you know what I mean? I prefer to leave Him out of my wrongdoing!

And the best way I can describe this, is that the Holy Spirit spoke with exasperation in His voice when He responded to me with, "Yes, I know what you wanted to talk about. So tell Me instead!"

Hesitantly, I began a conversation with Jesus, the Holy Spirit, and the Father, and told them everything I would have said to my best friend. It felt weird at first, because I had never spoken to them so honestly about *gasp* gossip, or juicy news I would have said to friends or family. Overtime, the Lord changed my heart posture from one ready to pick up the phone and gossip, to not having a desire for it.

But something else happened, Jesus, and His beautiful Holy Spirit, became my best friends. I had a wonderful, loving relationship with my Heavenly Father; but now I had something special with His Son and His Spirit too.

A unique aspect of the Lord's Spirit is that He is the personality of the Father and Jesus. He brings this zest, and passion, and fun. The Holy Spirit is funny! Isn't that wild to think about? And the more you draw near to Him, the more He shows you how amazing His personality is, how delightful He is. It's a joy and it's our privilege to get to know Him!

Thinking back on some visions or pictures the Holy Spirit has given me with Him in it, and I can only laugh at how He presents Himself to me! He is so joyful, it's hard not to be enraptured with His Presence whenever He shows up. And the wonderful Jesus we have that gave up His life so that we could have HIS Spirit indwell in us? What a miracle! And we get to know Them! And They so want to know us.

The Holy Trinity has a deep and profound desire to know us, to love us, to commune with us. After all, They made us, in Their image. They want to know you!

Pick Up The "Phone!"

The next time you're in the car and about to dial someone's number (or rather, click on their name), call Jesus instead. The next time you're doing chores or laundry, cooking in the kitchen or working in the garage and it crosses your mind to make a phone call, call Jesus instead.

He so longs to hear from you, so longs to begin this beautiful relationship between the two of you. Tell Him the gossip. Tell Him the news. Tell Him when something is disappointing, or awful. Tell Him when you're having the best day ever, as my daughter would put it. Tell Him all the things. Because that, that is the answer to the questions I saw from a complete stranger. "How do we actually make Jesus our best friend?" It starts when we begin to treat Him like He's our Best Friend. It starts when we "pick up the phone and call Him." It starts, when we invite Him to be our Bestie.

While Jesus was the One who reached out to me and asked me if I would let Him be my Best Friend, it started when I asked Him what I was going to do now. He only extended the invitation when I asked Him for help.

He's waiting and hoping you will ask Him to be more to you, so invite Him to be. I can promise you, the most amazing and wonderful adventure with Him awaits on the other side of inviting Him to be your Bestie.

He and I, we're besties for the resties. Will you let Him be yours?

With joy always,

Jessica